Sunday, May 22, 2016

True Hope is True Rest

The stars in the sky shine. Since time began that is all they do. On a clear night I can see them without any effort. My eyes trace the constellations. I can locate the North Star. They are always in the same place. In a cloud covered sky I can't see them, but I know they are there. During the day I can't see them, but I know they are there. They just "are". I don't judge them for just being. I don't get angry when they're not visible.

How simple to just simply "be"; really? This is not what I have experienced. I have spent my life trying to produce, to work, to be mother, wife, friend, confidante, and team player. I have set my sights on the proverbs 31 woman and at times wanted her story ripped from the Bible. I have identified more with the demon possessed man who Jesus healed and left him standing clothed and in his right mind. Well... I am clothed. Or Mephibosheth, Jonathan's son. who was dropped by his nurse as a baby and left lame. I wonder sometimes if someone dropped me on my head, but never told me. I have identified with the heart of Rahab the prostitute, the wine bibber, the poor widow who could give only out of her poverty. I have sat with scholars amazed at their knowledge only to become Pharisaical. I have tried to say nothing of this life matters, only to find myself begging for the crumbs fallen from the table. I have stood tall and put my best foot forward, only to discover I have no balance. 

Comparison and emulation always result in a false view of identity. 

I remember being small and riding the seesaw, my friend on one end, I on the other. Often when I was at the top my friend would suddenly decide she was done and just get off, leaving me to come down with a bang. I became paranoid. I could no longer rely on her to lower me safely to the ground. When I attempted to do the same to her, she threatened the state of our friendship. Afraid of being left alone, I became almost subservient to her demands and conditions. 
Many years later I see where there were rooted some serious patterns of pleasing people. I started letting other people shape my identity. Learning to be "me" has been an ongoing battle.

A lifetime of being at the top of something and then slammed to the ground has caused a lot of trust issues. Is there anyone I can trust completely? I have decided no, not even myself. How can I trust me when I don't even know who I am? The only one trustworthy is the one who proves himself to be trustworthy. I have yet to find a person who is qualified. So I have to turn my eyes and my faith to Jesus. He came to earth knowing exactly who He was and did exactly what He said He was going to do. He inspired it to be written down and provided His Spirit to teach those who are seeking truth.

How do I find out who I am? I look to His definition of me. He has told me. I am beautiful, I am accepted, I am loved, I am a more than a conquereor and I am forgiven. I am so much more than I see with my eyes or hear with my ears. He literally took the punishment that I deserved for my sin. When I can believe His opinion of me then hope will have substance. I will know and be known for who I truly am. I will be me and being me will be enough. When you are enough, there is rest. 

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