Saturday, April 30, 2016

What I learned in April

I always thought April was my favorite month. I finally realized it is not. I've been delusional all these years. It is cold, messy and unpredictable. A time of both letting go and going forward all at once; clinging to the past, reaching for the future. I glad it's over. It was only the fantasy that drew me.

I can write poetry. This is my fourth year of linking up with NaPoWiMo. net 30 poems/30 days. Every year I say I can't do it. Every year I follow their prompts. Once or twice I use my own, and I only missed one day this year. Maybe some think it's novice, but it's mine.

Poetry stirs you. It's way more than just writing words that rhyme or writing a lot in a little. It's digging deep into subjects that matter to you. It's vulnerability exposed. It's all your lunacy and sanity thrown out there for all to see.

You can't measure one pain with another. I went through a weekend with a really bad abscessed tooth combined with a freaky off balance equilibrium issue. Lasted 4 days. My son had a kidney stone. Yes, each one of us would have had said the other would be better. The pain you are in is the worst pain for you at the time. There is no "worst pain' you can have. You can always have worse. Nice thought, huh?

Sometimes hope is hidden in the things we don't want to deal with. This thought is being realized and it makes me want to deal with things that I have been afraid of for such a long time. If I am going to write about hope, I want to see it in all it's reality.

I watch too many mysteries. I gravitate to them. I'm obsessed. I am beginning to wean some this month (and whine), just to find some much needed balance.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

A Surrender to Hope

Words of a song inside my head all night
Was I sleeping or not I cannot tell
Morning came and stole them from my mind's view
But the tune kept on swirling round my head

And I'm drinking my coffee from a wine glass
Cause the strong just makes me weak
And the crashing waves are calm now
I can see the horizon
And it's the same every day
It doesn't change

We can do anything we want in life
Somehow we're sleeping' and we can't see
We look in the mirror and believe what's there
Break the glass and there's more to me

And I'm drinking my coffee from a wine glass
Cause the strong just makes me weak
And the crashing waves are calm now
I can see the horizon
And it's the same every day
It doesn't change

Fighting my battles and claiming my spoil
Not what I expected them to be
No silver or gold, no accolades
But peace and contentment in His love for me

And I'm drinking my coffee from a wine glass
Cause the strong just makes me weak
And the crashing waves are calm now
I can see the horizon
And it's the same every day
It doesn't change

And hope is a constant just like the horizon
Just like sunshine the darkness it fills
I cannot control it nor try to maintain it
Like water and air it goes where it wills

And I'm drinking my coffee from a wine glass
Cause the strong just makes me weak
And the crashing waves are calm now
I can see the horizon
And it's the same every day
It doesn't change

Just like hope
The words were there all the time

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Isaiah 41:10
 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I know He is with me. Sometimes I do fear. I have failed and fallen before.
I know He is my God. Still, I have been dismayed
He has strengthened me and helped me. Sometimes it is long after that I recognize it.
He does uphold me. Yes, I keep getting up.

It is over and over again I must read these words.
My fear is toward myself and what I can and cannot do.

Am I good enough?
Am I brave enough?
Am I smart enough?

The list goes on and the answer is the same for all. No, I am not,. No, we are not. It seems the more I try to wean myself from failure, the more pronounced it becomes.

Mixing religion with Christianity defiles my very hope.

Ritual for the purpose of good standing is not what God intended. The mercy and grace of God cannot be earned. Failure was never meant to condemn, but to bring to light and lead to repentance, a change of mind and direction. Sometimes God must watch as I make decisions that lead to my own folly. He knows every time I sit or stand, as well as every word I speak or thought I think. PSA 139:1,2. My understanding of His Word is not complete. As I ponder and listen I see a different perspective. His view is not mine.

God does not promise that we will not fail. He knows we surely will. His promise is that He will not fail.

So I now can read these words without fearing that I will let Him down. I cannot let Him down and He will never let me down.

He is with me in all my failures. So He tells me do not fear.
He is my God, so do not be dismayed when others fail
He will strengthen and help me. There is always hope in the failures.
He will uphold me with His righteous right hand. A righteous hand no man can loose.

There was not one in the Bible that did not fail, yet God kept His promises and sent His Son, Jesus, so we would not have to be condemned by our failures.

What hope we have in Christ! What rest we have when we enlarge our perspective to His!

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Seasons Changes

Where I live colors come slowly
All I see are green and brown
Growth springing up from the earth
Chartreuse colored buds on weather beaten trees
They have survived winter
A small cluster of daffodils shed some light
High above the sky is still blue
A color of hope and staying true
It beckons to me
Keep looking up
Keep looking up

I wrote this poem in 2013. There was snow and ice that winter.
There are some things I never want to change. Other things I can't wait to change. Seems maybe I get my priorities mixed up ofttimes. Now it is Spring. I am so happy the winter is gone. It was fairly mild, but just the word itself denotes cold, bitter, dank and grey. With no snow to speak of and those milder temperatures winter was worse in some way because it didn't fit the right description. Looking back on previous years, winter was, well...winter, in all its authenticity! Easy to see it in splendor now that they are behind us. 

Transition still is taking place. Even though Spring is here there has been a 40 degree temperature change in 3 days and today 5" of snow blankets the ground.

I fluctuate. I just finished a project and don't know what is next. I am in between the pages. I am afraid I am out of words, out of ideas, and with that...out of hope. All of a sudden I am without definition.

I look around and see so many things in transient. The climate is mirroring our society. With so much variance in the weather patterns, anomalies in nature are becoming more and more frequent. In our infrastructure definitions are changing at an escalated rate even in the past 20 years. Gender and family are fractured, as well as our boundaries and traditions. 

Ecclesiastes 1:9 notes "...There is nothing new under the sun", but the rise and spread of the infrequent exceptions of "normal" lifestyle is becoming monumental and commonplace. Shock is now being replaced by confusion, despair and hopelessness. 

As I retrace the past couple of months and talk it out with a friend my conversation follows a course that lands upon a present situation, and as I speak of it we both realize it is certainly a large issue of my heart, but not one that is easily solved. It is one that has its roots embedded into years past. It always seems to find its way into the present no matter how many times I have tried to address it, ignore it, or bury it. 

As unresolved issues of the heart repeatedly reveal themselves, it seems they are yearning to be set free. Instead, I protect them and in doing so, I am a slave to them. One issue adds to another and soon the effects and repercussions define my path. Excuses become the easy way to avoid confrontation and truth. Freedom becomes just a word with no evidence.

But...there is hope! Just because it is not seen or felt or even experienced does not dismiss it's truth. Just like it is Spring whether the snow falls or the temperatures plummet, so is hope a truth. Christ defeated death and all that surrounds it. His death dealt with the issues, but His resurrection brought hope into view. Sooner or later the issues must break ground and be exposed to reveal hope. Yes, transition takes time. Ground thaws, trees bud, growth is slow. Faith is needed to believe.

Sometimes many words are necessary to unlock the silent places of the heart. In my undefined times I can look back and determine my ambiguity then or my ambiguity now. Both will define me. I need to appreciate the slow and and seemingly unfruitful places in my life. I need to look up. Keep looking up.
(I apologize for the font sizes. I tried to fix it 3 times...I lost)